back by popular demand...

just kidding. no one has been complaining that i haven't been updating because..well..very few people (love to those who do) actually read this thing. and even if people do read it, they can't leave comments because well, it's a bit of a process, keeping up with this blog business.
past week, eh.
the dress-up thing planned by pamp was well...i believe the result of the fact that he doesn't see me often.
okay i'll explain dearie, just for you.
pamp, aka brian mulvihill and i had a conversation at cpac (don't shoot me, it was a conservative conference...oh yea...i'm the one who's in favor of the nra's existence...nevermind. you can't shoot me) okay anyway, pamp and i were talking at cpac and he was making suggestions of how i could be more positive about my self image and things like that and he suggested that i 'dress up' for a whole week (not a business week, but a full 7-day week, sunday to sunday). not dress up like, in dresses and skirts, but not t-shirts. that was the basic rule. sneakers were fine due to the walking to class thing, but no t-shirts. the thing is, i realized that i don't normally wear lots of t-shirts. even to sleep in i wear tank tops because it is so warm in this steamy tundra of a 3rd floor dorm. in conclusion, dressing up did nothing for the ::puppyface::. it's okay though. the effort was there, and i applaud the pamp's efforts. ::golf clap::.
last sunday, on my way back to campus, i ran over a cat. it was already dead, mind you. but that didn't matter to my inner child and my sympathetic feminine side. while driving, i managed to flood my lap with waters of guilt that streamed from my face, in torrents between the sobs. what's worse was that i didn't see the cat in time because i was following too closely to the car in front of me because he had cut me off. aside from that, i had not gone to church. = guilt. and plenty of it. ruined my entire week.
what else ruined my week might you ask?
the fact that according to former (she's dead now) psychoanalyst Karen Horney (Horn-eye) sickos, i'm neurotic. This could be due to a couple things. We were discussing in personality theories and research, her 10 neurotic needs. i managed to apply myself to at least 2 of them. bummer. Second possible cause for application: she didn't specify what a 'normal', or a 'healthy' person would qualify as. i could very possibly be 'normal' and/or 'healthy', and not know it because she simply left this distinction out of her analyses. we'll never know, because as i said, she's dead, but for now, i'm mildly neurotic. eh. i'm sure it adds character. sorta like running over a black and white cat that's already dead...someone's pet...the poor kid...yea that really got to me. but anyway...
i went to the college republican meeting on wednesday with the intention of voting for the guys who are most qualified to lead our club to a more meaningful existence. so i'm sitting there, and i'm reading 'Global Woman' by Barbara Ehrenreich...the lady who apparently wants a $2 increase to minimum wage...and i hear the speaker of the night (a man running for assemblyman i believe, but luckily he isn't in my district) and there's something i don't like about him...oh that's it! his mannerisms remind me of bill clinton! drove me nuts. then the candidates speak. matt esposito, eric pasternack...pasternac? not sure, tom sales running for chairman; daniel beckelman and tony decarlo (cool last name, almost as cool as mine ;O) running for vice chair. the go get 'em or 'GIT 'ER DUUUNNN' if you will, speakers were by far, tom sales and tony decarlo. the problem with voting for any of the candidates for me was that they each chose to incorporate a political issue into their speech that i sort of disagreed with. each one of them did.
i felt like crying. again. i don't fit in! not a liberal, not a strong enough conservative to belong to this group, but too afraid and chicken and not up on the political issues well enough to take a stand against them, so yea. i didn't vote. which is a bad thing to do, but it was the only thing i could think of to protest what they had said, quietly. i cheated tho. you see, my roommate becky had voted by absentee (she works at applebees, so you better tip her right) so rather than saying oh and here's another vote by absentee, i said hm...it'll look like i'm voting if i write down on this shred of paper who becky wanted to win. the entire time, i'm thinking back on all of the speakers at cpac who had views i disagreed with. some of the time, it was real torture. especially the end. the grand finale...the lady who was insulting the vagina monologues. and all of the mindless conservatives clapping like there was no tomorrow. i'd be clenching my fists if i wasn't typing. i take pride in the fact that a woman wrote a play to symbolize the fight against violence toward women. so what if they chant the word 'cunt' and make conservatives uncomfortable! isn't that the point? awareness must occur somehow, and the two conservatives i was sitting near (no names) HATED it. one said he really didn't mind it and that some parts were funny but he's lying. moral of the story: don't be too content on fitting in at college. no one will be exactly like you. least of all dudes who like dub-ya.
new topic.
i'm having trouble again with the whole trust vs. jealousy issue. i know i shouldn't, and that i should throw all of my chips in at this point because i know i'm gonna beat the house, but there's still doubt. it's the whole, being cheated behind my back sort of thing. i can't help it! i have trouble trusting people. that's what it boils down to. and i need concrete evidence that proves otherwise, or else the doubt will resurface. as it has recently. maybe it's a pms thing. i sure hope so. a topic this ugly isn't worth wasting an argument on, so i'll leave it here.
i'm walking for multiple sclerosis in april. it was nice last year. the boardwalk in belmar is softer than other boardwalks bc of the material it's made out of, and it's pleasant. the beach-front properties are humongous. if you'd like to donate and it's convenient, you have ample opportunity to get in touch with me and sponsor me.
i can't think of anything else to say...except bellydancing exercise tapes and 8 minute abs to fast club music is diesel. i hate using that word. i have to find a better one.
any suggestions?

Sonnet 112; Shakespeare
"Your love and pity doth th'impression fill
Which vulgar scandal stamped upon my brow;
For what care I who calls me well or ill
So you o'er-green my bad, my good allow?
You are my all-the-world, and I must strive
To know my shames and praises from your tongue;
None else to me, nor I to none, alive,
That my steeled sense o'er-changes right or wrong.
In so profound abysm I throw all care
Of others' voices, that my adder's sense
To critic and to flatterer stopped are.
Mark how with my neglect I do dispense:
are so strongly in my purpose bred
That all the world besides me thinks you're dead."