has anyone seen my stapler?

I am not happy. Grievances
-saying he'd maybe see me during the day today, to which i responded 'well i'll be home all day so feel free to stop by and visit'..knowing very well that he wouldn't which he didn't.
-he never calls anymore unless it's to return one of my calls. if i want to speak to him, i have to call him. which is probably somehow related to the reason why he waited until he was already on his way to his second job to call me back.
-he has consistently spent all of his vaca days on fishing and hunting. none on me or this relationship. thus far.
-he expected me to take off two days of work in december from this new job i have. he was exasperated when i said it would be hard to do because it's a new job and he was asking me to take off two of the three days a week i am at this job. after all that, it was dean who couldn't take off during the week because he has a new job (which counts for more than my new job obviously, jerk. talkin out both sides of his mouth). it was STILL my fault, even after i agreed to try and ask for the one day off. then i realized (with the help of some convos with some ppl who will remain nameless) that he'd be losing a lot of money by taking off, but that he can afford it much better than i can. so i convinced him to take off one day. but i don't think he was definitely going to. after all that.
-everything that he does takes precedence over me. he will argue, but only to a certain extent, and i am never convinced. it still stands as strong evidence that his automatic tendency is to do whatever is on his plate before giving me a call. and again. if i want to talk to him, i have to call. he gets so insulted if i don't call though. now why would it matter? if it does, prove it. call me once in a while. we only have on average 5.5-minute conversations anyway really. it probably takes you longer to crap than it does to catch up with me on the phone. almost effortless, and a little cleaner.

i just got off the phone with him. the longer conversations (this one was approx 13.5 minutes.) are the ones where we're unhappy and a silence is preceeded by him sighing and saying 'i dunno'. like the world is ending. and he's helpless. and frustrated that i'm finally reporting a grievance. here's a word of advice. don't ask me what's wrong if you don't really want to know.
"so maybe we'll go somewhere else."
"it doesn't matter what i say about whatever it is that you're doing. it doesn't reach you"
that's how it usually ends. with him blaming me, sighing a few more times, and telling me he'll talk to me later. and i'm left to feel the inevitable guilt that's left, like a grizzly residue. makes me sick to my stomach to know that we'll be doing the same thing all over again, some time soon. i know what i can do about it but i don't like my options. mulling them over adds to my nausea.
and then he goes to whatever dude is handy and commiserates. i hate that part. i hate fitting into a box filled with other nagging female figures. mothers, daughters, wives, girlfriends, sisters, etc. how come we (meaning the women) don't get a chance to rebel against our significant others for a change? "we" probably do, but i don't. it backfires on me because i end up feeling guilty. i need to pull a phineas gage ya know? get rid of that pesky part of my brain that causes tact and perpetuates mature, polite, reasonable behavior. i could get drunk but that's so..sloppy. and do you know how many ppl would be waiting for that to happen? for them to be able to transfer me to another box, filled with sloppy girlfriends who are unhappy w their situations?

know what i realized today? i would be so in love with this boy if he just put in the effort a little bit more. suck it up. don't get paid for christmas. take that vacation day and use it for next month's lakehouse visit, then take a day off w/o vaca pay for christmas and spend it with me. we can sit home, cozy, watch corny xmas movies and drink tea, creating hypotheticals about how we would run christmas in our own home, blah blah blah. that's asking too much though. and much too much to come up with on his own. okay so spend christmas morn with your family, i'll spend it with mine, but let's meet up for supper. you do like cooking with me. we could stay at my house and keep warm.
impossible. it'll never happen.

i think it's time for me to take my feelings and thoughts off to my new resting spot. it isn't as bad as you'd think--sleeping on the couch night after night. you get used to it. we are creatures of habit after all.