i made a list and i'm checkin it twice.

that was a lame title. i'm sorry. but i do have several lists going on simultaneously. i have a list of grievances against the one that i call 'mine'. theres a list of the things i got ppl for xmas. theres a to do list. theres a future list that has things i want to do in the distant and not too distant future. some of the things aren't even like a 5-yr plan kinda thing. they're more like a...30-yr plan. but w/e. it's a work in progress. then theres a list of things to do w/ dean n jill n franklin. then theres a list of things to do w sis. bc she's depraved. or deprived..nope it's deprived. depraved is not the right word. thank you dictionary.com. there's a list of movies kevin "must" see. it's floating around somewhere..there's a list of places i'd like to go. reasonable places that make appearances in my dreams where we go and there's a hurricane and we spend our vacation in the basement of the hotel. it ended when i realized his truck was still outside. two months' worth of work only to be destroyed by falling timber, telephone poles and hail the size of doorknobs. there is a list of extremely menial tasks that need to get done at work.

i need more sleep. i have a caffenated beverage sitting next to me and it isn't raising my spirits in the least.

i think i could write my own version of taht bill murray movie Lost in Translation. See if you can follow this one. I voice small concerns over the situation in the relationship. the person i tell reacts anywhere from mildly concerned w/ some feedback to shocked and appalled. i obviously have a case so i take it back to the source. now, here's where it gets foggy for me. somewhere in the transfer, my message is completely botched. it sounds different, it feels different, it even looks different in the thick tension-filled air when i say it. so..what gives? where am i messing this up? i should make a list. of things worded from me to you directly. and when we start to argue over something i will run and get my list so i can be prepared. and things will come out right.

i wrote an angry poem once. well, more than once but there's this one poem in particular that i have in mind. it was after you had made a comment about me being bitchy bc i had my period. low blow but i chewed u out about it and u never made the mistake of saying something like that in a case where it might get back to me ever again. but i also wrote a poem. and this poem, the more i read it over--i even read it out loud to becky..twice actually--the more i was able to finesse the inflection and emphasize the wrongdoing that was expressed in the lines. so, maybe writing it down is the cure. gotta try something. can't go home upset with myself and with you every week. that's the wrong kind of work for a relationship. the kind of work where u get good at lying about how you feel bc you know what you say won't do the argument justice is not the kind of work one should focus on in a relationship. it's counterproductive. i used to work on finding out what kinds of food u liked so i'd know how to cook it. used to memorize song lyrics of your favorite songs so i'd get the message. now i scramble to make lists so i can organize my arguments that surround a relationship that is more work than i'm cut out for.

doesn't mean i'm quitting, just means i'm still workin on it.
gotta go file some papers now. menial things. not difficult labor by any means. but, someone finds it helpful. someone will tell me when i go into work next thursday that they appreciate the effort. and that's all i need.