don't call my name don't call my name...alejandro.

so i'm thinking i've been recently making attempts at reinventing myself a little, small pieces at a time. i'm tired of being bored with myself--the way i am and the way i avoid things and people and events. even clothes. why am i unable to stand on my own at a party? even a family party, it's really quite pitiful and frustrating. i'm allowing myself to feel the influence of certain pop songs sung by certain extremely dramatic people (usually female) because on some level i think i'm capable of having the same charm affect on other(s). on another level, i'm coming to terms with the fact that i believe somewhere in the levels of consciousness (in case you believe in that sort of thing) that i will always be just average and that nothing extraordinary will come from me. this is a disappointing reality for a newly-turned 25-year-old who wants to be published someday. am i too old to be believing that i'll be recognized more widely than my facebook profile group of friends allows or am i too young to be giving up completely on something that is not impossible? recently, i've embraced (auditorilly) some of the sounds of miss gaga, the dramatic cherubic highs of la roux's sound, red lipstick, and lace panties. flowy low cut shirts, daydreams that feature a self that wows effortlessly. am i escaping my everyday grind? am i setting myself up for disappointment? what am i really capable of? and why do i not know at age 25? according to erikson i'm in intimacy vs. isolation and honestly i think i'm doing both at the same time. for crying out loud, why would i do that to myself? i'm intimate with my boyfriend but i isolate against almost everyone else. i suppose that's not entirely true, but the people i get along with and find myself attached to the most happen to be just as busy as i am. i was watching the first sex in the city movie last night and i was watching the interactions between the four friends. when they feel betrayed amongst themselves, they react (yes i know they're acting but hear me out) as though they were cheated on by a significant other. because in each others' lives, they are quite significant. i don't feel like i have that. maybe it's the luxury they are afforded based on their socioeconomic status that allows them to up and go to mexico spur of the moment and tend to their fallen friend; however, i can't see anyone but my mother feeding me following a serious break of engagement, or any variation on someone feeding me. whatever the equivalent, i can't see anyone i know doing that. maybe christine...probably not even my mother. she would probably tell me to knock it off and that it wasn't the end of the world. my sister would especially do that. she'd probably beat up my boyfriend but she'd also be tough on me. i think...maybe i'm wrong. where was i going with this and how does it relate to my next thought?
::new paragraph::. the bottom line is that i'm scared. i don't know why but at the core of all of these feelings of uncertainty, i'm very very unnerved. are other people this unsure? do they just hide it better? i asked my boyfriend whether the changes come across as desperate and he said no, that i just seem like i'm starting to enjoy myself. what a nice interpretation. i hadn't thought of it that way.
::new paragraph::. how would i view this past post in light of this enlightenment...MAYBE i'm getting BRAVER! more brave? blogger didn't mark braver with a red squiggly line so i guess it's either one. perhaps i am just getting a little more brave. in my own skin. that actually makes sense. i like that interpretation much better. thanks babe.
on another note, i'm at the group home again. rick just let out quite a fart because going to the bathroom comes second to speaking rapidly with staff. i need to crack a window...
meds soon. it's already eight twenty four. approximately an hour and a half left. tomorrow should be fun. one of my very busy very good friend/coworkers will be hangin with me tomorrow. nine-to-four. then i get to put my newfound "brave", brazen, thrilling self to the test. as the boy says, i always do well. i can sweat it but i won't tell him. i'll ask later if he could tell. sorta like a post-test. because my brazen self is still geekified as heck.
i'm not your babe, i'm not your babe...fernando.
more later sirs and ma'ams. if anything occurs or responds please share.