:oO. shocking.

hello all. it's been a while. I'm sorry for ... neglecting you. My head is swimming and I need to organize things. here are such things as I see them. you might see them differently.
the facts:
-there's a really good chance i'm moving to jackson in the next few months.
-nothing about me is ready to move to jackson in the next few months. (not my room, the car i drive, my financial situation, my emotional state, my employment state, and the list goes on.)
-i've been day dreaming about wedding dresses and songs for the reception and the food choices, and what we need for the house for weeks. it's in that murky section of the mental body of water that inhabits the name of that movie star or zeppelin song you know you knew a while ago but can't remember at this particular moment.
-i do have separation issues from family, dog, and old bridge.
-i am sick to my stomach about working weekends for the past 2.5 yrs. yes, both days.
-i want money. yeah, that's what i want. because your lovin does give me thrills but it doesn't pay my bills.
-i feel grossly out of shape. it upsets me to varying degrees on a daily basis.
-i'm getting my hair donated but more because i feel the weight of my 10+ inches and i'm hoping it makes me feel better about myself rather than the fact that i think it's honestly time.
-i'm still working where i said i would not stay, and still w/o benefits or holiday/sick/vaca time. which also upsets me to varying degrees but more on a weekly basis.
-i feel very removed from my sister. my parents too but it bothers me more about my sister. she gets very snippy very quickly and i'm already feeling drained and fragile so it's an unhappy combination.
i can't think of anything more right now. at least not for the facts.
the possibilities: (thankfully not in any particular order)
-getting a 1.5 year old german shepherd.
-refusing to pay for cable because it isn't something we need right away. (don't tell frank).
-bawling my eyes out over not being in old bridge. it's totally irrational, i know this, but it doesn't change the possibility.
-creating lines and lines of poetry based on my fear of our possible neighbors. my current neighbors are so innocuous.
-ooohing and ahhing over other ppl's little children (in my head) and denying (also in my head) that it has anything to do with my own biological clock.
-bawling my eyes over the possibility that i'll have paid for everything relating to the eventual wedding and it'll still not mean anything to my father in the context of doing for myself.
-moving to the boonies of jackson. still probably 15 minutes from the outlets.
-not enjoying my summer. again.
-disagreeing/fighting a lot with someone i hate disagreeing/fighting with because what he says means so much to me.
-hating myself for not being able to think independently. that's not entirely true, i can think for myself but...usually it depresses me.
-writing more in my blog, but on the library's computer because i'm going to refuse to pay for the internet, cable and phone ("triple play") nonsense because of the expenses of the dog to prove that i can. because i can.
-the job at ph. it's per diem, after all. nothing is guaranteed. except "the facts".
-i'm going to see ppl i knew in college and feel badly about my minimal income. why should i? i shouldn't, i'm not saying i should. i'm saying it's very possible.
-i'm going to continue to entertain my efforts and create my distractions out of the needs of others and the practical needs of this possible house in a far away land. for example: my sister doesn't really want to work at rite aid anymore. might as well find her something else to do right?
More later. april wants to skedaddle.