Hi, My name is Nicole and I've been blog-free for 2 weeks.

Weeeeeell IIIIIIII work all day and fight all night
With my girl who I treat right
Maybe just one day she'll go on and marry meee
Well the meals ain't made
and the dishes ain't done
Just a whole lot of hurtin' for everyone
Well hell just ain't the same without you babe
Oooh, Well hell just ain't the same without you babe
Well hell just ain't the same without you babe.

Theory of a Dead Man

Know what's funny? We're all dead 'men' and we all have our own theories.
Frank has his theories about how he wants to live out the rest of his life and how he can successfully accomplish such a feat.
Tom Sales has his own theories about why I so adamantly defended my relationship with Frank.
Becky has her own theories about the effects her playing devil's advocate has on people she converses with.
Nate has his own theories on how to take over the world (and how to build a successful robot army).
I have my own theories on how to make people happy and why I deserve a dog, regardless of the fact that I, for the most part, do not live at home.
And the fact is, we're all going to die. But until then, that doesn't mean that Frank can't live happily ever after, and Tom Sales can't live happily ever after, and Becky can't drive Cono up the wall if she so desires, and Nate can't live happily ever after (as friendly, Christian dictator), and it sure as hell doesn't mean I can't have a dog...and live happily ever after with Frank.

I'm not sure where I was going with this but you should all be listening to the new Theory of a Dead Man album entitled Gasoline because the songs are hickish (especially the one posted above) and enjoyable and restless and nomadic and lonely and lovesick and "I'm kickin' myself that I shared spit with you"-esque. (That's a line from A Crow Left of the Murder by Incubus. But don't get me started on those interpretations. Oh so tempting.)

I'm sorry if you read my blog and you weren't mentioned, but time is of the essence and if we want to live happily ever after, not be lonely, confound people when we please, rule the world peacefully, and cuddle with a furry companion, we need to start yesterday.

LEAVES! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!!

Are you ashamed to
say what you want to?
Tell me you want to...
Lovely fallish color despite the weather being in the late 60s and early 70s. Is it really that old? I'm not sure...
All I know is that it is absolutely beautiful outside. I really thought the rain was going to bring a chilly front around and kill the warmish weather. I was wrong! All it did was weigh the leaves down so that when the breeze blows, they don't move, they simply remain as a blanket for the earth.
I also thought that once the sun went away the chill would go through my jacket but I was wrong again! It remained warm. If this is global warming, at least we'll be toasty when we all die, right? UGH. What a morbid thought. That isn't like me at all.
It made me feel romantical how warm it is. The weather that keeps me cozy but not too warm always makes me restless. The way you feel restless on certain cool summer nights and you feel like driving somewhere or walking under the moonlight.
OH MY GOODNESS WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEEE!!??
I can't imagine what is spurring such ridiculous chit chat. It's sickening. Here I am wishing Frank were here and talking about the weather. Pitiful. There is no reason for me to be so...warm!! But it's this weather. I mean, it's been studied before. The onset of the holiday season as far as Thanksgiving and Christmas are concerned, means the onset of depression for a lot of people. Even if it isn't in a clinical sense, there is a name for the people who have this type of depression every year! (Seasonal Affect Disorder if anyone cares) I am untouched and it's all thanks to the air.
How simple-Simon am I to be affected so easily by what temperature it is outside???
The couple of lines at the very top is Taking Back Sunday by the way.

Enjoy the weather. :O)

Random Thoughts (con't)

IIIIII fooooound the cuuuuure to groooowing ooldeerrrrrr
Not really. That's a line from a Fall Out Boy song. Before I continue tho I'd like to just inform everyone (as if there were a lot of you) that Nate just called himself a nerd and used the word "spiffy" in the same conversation. Spiffy. ::giggle::.
Random Point #3: I was falling asleep on the lawnmower today. I was helping with the leaves and I was in third gear and I just felt so dozy...zzzz...anyway. It was loud and my dad was laughing at me and then when I was finished he was telling me about how I always fall asleep on things that can be pretty loud sometimes. Like, when he used to mow the lawn with me in his lap (bc it's fun but obviously sleep-inducing) and the boat where I fall asleep almost instantaneously on departure from the dock. There's something about a hummm. It's probably linked to the fact that I can't fall asleep when it's too quiet. I hear everything and, similar to the way my roommate thinks, I imagine things. It isn't a good thing. It was touching to hear my dad talk about me in such an affectionate way. I couldn't help but awkwardly laugh it off as history.
Random Point #4: I realized that I can group certain things I'm afraid of. I was on a bike today; first time in at least...7 years? Long time. I always hated riding a bike because I was always afraid of falling off of it. That I knew for a fact. But I never thought to link it to anxiety when I'm on a ladder, a diving board, skates of any kind, bikes, boards, balance beams, and even falling asleep on my back. When you fall asleep on your back and your head isn't buried in a pillow, it tilts to one side as you doze off. When my head tilts, my whole body wakes up bc I feel like I'm falling. The connection between all of these things? I'm afraid of losing my balance. Don't get me wrong, I still dive off the diving board and hop up on the ladder to put the star on the top of the tree but...sometimes I'd rather not do those things. Like ride a bike. I've avoided riding a bike for about 7 years now. It's important to face your fears. Settling for the status quo isn't always the best thing for ya. Your fears will always resurface and you'll just have to deal with them.
That's why it was so liberating doing a simple thing like riding a bike. I went up and down the street several times before coming in and no matter how paranoid I was of losing my balance, I just couldn't stop. You become almost obsessed with experiencing something you were once afraid of. It's a good feeling.
So that's it for the random thoughts thing. A leaf landed on me last week in a funny sort of way and there's the making of a poem in my head for that leaf.
Tha's about it. If I think up anything else, I'll be sure to go ahead and share.

P.S. Does anyone know how much Stingray bikes are going for these days? ;O)

Random Thoughts (con't)

IIIIII fooooound the cuuuuure to groooowing ooldeerrrrrr
Not really. That's a line from a Fall Out Boy song. Before I continue tho I'd like to just inform everyone (as if there were a lot of you) that Nate just called himself a nerd and used the word "spiffy" in the same conversation. Spiffy. ::giggle::.
Random Point #3: I was falling asleep on the lawnmower today. I was helping with the leaves and I was in third gear and I just felt so dozy...zzzz...anyway. It was loud and my dad was laughing at me and then when I was finished he was telling me about how I always fall asleep on things that can be pretty loud sometimes. Like, when he used to mow the lawn with me in his lap (bc it's fun but obviously sleep-inducing) and the boat where I fall asleep almost instantaneously on departure from the dock. There's something about a hummm. It's probably linked to the fact that I can't fall asleep when it's too quiet. I hear everything and, similar to the way my roommate thinks, I imagine things. It isn't a good thing. It was touching to hear my dad talk about me in such an affectionate way. I couldn't help but awkwardly laugh it off as history.
Random Point #4: I realized that I can group certain things I'm afraid of. I was on a bike today; first time in at least...7 years? Long time. I always hated riding a bike because I was always afraid of falling off of it. That I knew for a fact. But I never thought to link it to anxiety when I'm on a ladder, a diving board, skates of any kind, bikes, boards, balance beams, and even falling asleep on my back. When you fall asleep on your back and your head isn't buried in a pillow, it tilts to one side as you doze off. When my head tilts, my whole body wakes up bc I feel like I'm falling. The connection between all of these things? I'm afraid of losing my balance. Don't get me wrong, I still dive off the diving board and hop up on the ladder to put the star on the top of the tree but...sometimes I'd rather not do those things. Like ride a bike. I've avoided riding a bike for about 7 years now. It's important to face your fears. Settling for the status quo isn't always the best thing for ya. Your fears will always resurface and you'll just have to deal with them.
That's why it was so liberating doing a simple thing like riding a bike. I went up and down the street several times before coming in and no matter how paranoid I was of losing my balance, I just couldn't stop. You become almost obsessed with experiencing something you were once afraid of. It's a good feeling.
So that's it for the random thoughts thing. A leaf landed on me last week in a funny sort of way and there's the making of a poem in my head for that leaf.
Tha's about it. If I think up anything else, I'll be sure to go ahead and share.

P.S. Does anyone know how much Stingray bikes are going for these days? ;O)

random results of a wandering mind...

Hi Everyone!
Random Point #1: At some point, the anger and frustration is not from being told what to do, but from having to depend on the same people who have been telling you what to do since you were old enough to listen. It's the feeling that you're being drawn to act on your own; answer to no one but yourself, coupled with the still present need to depend on these people that makes being told what to do, at this point, maddening beyond all reason.
Random Point #2: I was eating a couple clementines outside, enjoying the sunshine, and suddenly I was thrown back several years to when I used to eat lunch outside with my neighbor. He would come over while I was eating lunch and I would give him whatever I had to share. If I had peanut butter and jelly crackers, he'd have half. If I had fruit, he'd get a piece. He shared with me too, though. If ever he felt the urge, he'd get a pear from the tree in his backyard...and throw it at me. Thanks, Kev.
Random Points will be continued...
food is more important :OP

esplanation..

Alright so maybe that last post didn't make much sense. Neither did the conversation with the guy i tutored at the soup kitchen. Make sense now?
Has anyone read Death of a Salesman? I'm torn between writing about glam rock a nd how Willy Lomans alienation in society can be seen in the men who surround me. My grandfather decidedto tell me and my sister about the history of his career. I saw a lot of Willy in him and i felt sympathy. Same thing with my dad and probably even a few of my professors. Not the younger guys; at least not yet. Maybe there are ways to relieve the pressures that cause the possibilty of becoming a Willy.
For those of you who have never read Death of a Salesman, it's short. I suggest you read it.

P.S. BABE! WELCOME TO THE PROGRAM!! ;o)

Some of these things just don't belong here...

I should be a model. He was a boxer and a published writer. The story about the grasshopper and the ant. He was published in the star ledger, ring magazine. He was arrested while he was in high school for robbery. Ya know, you have the devil on one side and an angel on the other, and when you see that your mom's friend dropped her wallet on the ground, the devil says, 'you broke'. The second time, tho, he gave his own closing arguments because the prosecutor thought he'd mess up. But when the jury came back after a few days they found him not guilty of murder. Well, ya see, he shot a man. The story about the grasshopper and the ant. I'm gonna wanna have kids, I can't help it, I'm attractive. And pretty soon my mom is gonna tell me it's time to leave and I'm gonna have to find my own place but don't rent I should buy a house and pay off the mortage because then after three or four years I'll own it. He is a published writer. He was published in Jet, the star ledger, and they had him boxin in Rahway and then they moved him here, to Trenton. The story about the grasshopper and the ant. The story about the grasshopper and the ant. He has over 80 college credits. The man said to him, did you graduate high school? And he said no. He was arrested for robbery. Usually you don't get caught the first time and that's why O.J. was found not guilty he had the money to pay for (insert name of attorney here and insert name of attorney there). But once he got money from being published and from boxing, they made him pay for his cell in prison. He didn't drop out he was arrested. If I want to be a teacher, I have to start paying attention to what I learn at the soup kitchen. The story about the grasshopper and the ant. I put a little bit away and by the end of the month I have much more than the $8 I put in at the beginning. Then in the winter, I can say okay well it's okay because I have some money put away. The story about the grasshopper and the ant.

Every since last Saturday, things have been different around here...

I have a problem with the whole fall back spring forward thing. I heard the concept is foreign to some Westerners and I envy them. Sure, the change is nice bc in fall you get an hr extra to sleep (but not really) and in spring you get to see the sun longer (technically). The point is, you're bringing winter closer and summer further away and frankly, i'm not ready for it. This whole 70-degree weather in November thing isn't cool and it's toying with my emotions. Sure it's 70 all day, but at 5 pm there's no more sun. It's just cruel.
I'm tired and too lazy to talk about the inspiring woman i tutored today so I'll keep it simple.
She was missing her two front teeth but she had the nicest smile. She had been gone apparently for quite some time and another one of the 'students' knew her well enough to miss her. She would say a word until she got it, and then she'd make me say it so she could see what it looks like.
Her name is Ruth and I hope I see her again next Thursday.
Happy Name Day Sylwia, even though you are extremely busy to respond to IMs.
Thank you and good night.

Oh, Sandy...

How is everyone? Good? Did y'all know I looked like a boy once? Well, don't worry. Apparently, I don't look like a boy anymore. I look like a girl. Whoopdeedo. Thanks, roommate. P.S. I gained weight too. Thanks, tom sales. Actually, I already noticed that. But tom was nice enough to bring it to the front of my consciousness. Three or so pounds to be exact.
Does this mean my name isn't Tiny anymore, PAMP? Nahhh. I'm still a mousy 5'4".
I reread Death of a Salesman. I find it depressing because it makes me worry about not making enough money to support whatever it is I end up supporting once I have a career. Yea yea I know Becky, I'll still have my family but I have this wild and crazy idea in my head that once I graduate I'm moving out. Ridiculous, right? Oh! That reminds me. Ridiculous Nicholas is another nickname of mine, also something else Cono calls me. (Our neighbor asked me what people called me and I forgot that one.)
Good Apollo blah blah blah is a good cd from Coheed. Very catchy tunes.

How many bad seedlings does it take to ruin a family tree?...

Random comment. Back to work. It's crazy I had all this energy and I got all this stuff done...that isn't due tomorrow...darn.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN, spookies.