lonely but not alone.

so. here we are again. hello clock from staples that says it's almost time for meds. not my meds, their meds. i wish i could watch the missed episodes of the office. i wish someone would contact me and say 'hey i've been thinking of you. how are you?' i wish i had regularly scheduled available social time. i wish my room was more organized and as soon as i thought of something that needed to be done i could just do it.
i feel so restless. i have all these magazines that have to go back to the library tomorrow and i just end up looking at the pictures. the beautiful people are really distracting. it's so jarring to then look in the mirror because i certainly don't look like them. i suppose that's the point but...the magazine would function in such a different manner if real-life humans were pictured with various items of clothing on. we the voyeur would accurately be able to identify what would look good on us and what wouldn't. it seems strange sometimes to have the articles that show what looks good on someone with a certain figure because it brings us back down to earth to say HEY, YOU. THIS WON'T LOOK GOOD ON YOU DON'T KID YOURSELF. and then of course the models who wear the items would look good with nothing but bug bites and freckles. it's a no-win situation. at least i have music.aol.com. but one of the speakers is busted. and i started typing today and realized that several of the keys are stuck. it's more of a workout to blog than usual, but only for my fingers and wrists and forearms. i wonder if mario cleaned the kitchen...
i've noticed a trend. not related to mario or the kitchen, but with me. i walked and did crunches this morning and was able to have time to do my hair. i remembered to grab the travel mug that keeps drinks really cold so i'd have cold stuff to drink for my 13.5 hr shift today. i dressed casually but still looked good, i thought, and my hair wasn't too poofy. my eyes were not puffy enough to use the new anti-puff eye roller stuff i got on sale at target saturday. i felt good.
sometime during the day i used the ladies' room at work and looked into the mirror to find a head of very poofy hair. my face looked blotchy. i was grumpy and tired. what happened? it couldn't have been that late. we started the meeting around 1245 and it was before the meeting...i feel like my upswing should've lasted a little longer. no? do i really need something inorganic to supplement the high-noon slump? what would it have taken, another cup of tea? from the paper cups that disappear each night and friday so we have no tea over the weekend?
like april said, we need to change the world. it isn't good enough, the way it is. i wonder which part of the world she was thinking of starting with. which part of the world would you start with? gotta see what the weather will be for saturday. the guys want rec. high of 75. chance of a stray thunderstorm? who writes this stuff?? like it got away from the pack and it might wander across your town unexpectedly, so bring your umbrella. ? fascinating. i suppose i shouldn't complain. how much could meteorologists really get paid? let's check...the middle 50% of 'atmospheric scientists' get paid 55,000-101,000. the lowest 10% are paid less than 38,000. i'd be really upset if i was a small time 'atmospheric scientist' and i checked the wage range on bls.gov and found out my colleagues were getting paid twice as much at least. http://www.bls.gov/oco/ocos051.htm#earnings
can't make this up.
one person came for meds. charles asked two times what time meds were. he said seven? and i said no, eight. it's now 8:20. and one person came for meds.
what would satisfy this unrest? i wrote that on the same line as the meds bit. it's a separate thought, after a pause and a lean back in the chair. i have a long day tomorrow. if it doesn't go as planned i'm going to feel very badly because i'm taking a hostage. poor christine. she doesn't know. she has no idea. it's really very dull. she claims that spending time with me is never boring. i don't see it.
i just texted my sister to see if she looked at the cars i marked on autotrader.com. i'm really getting desperate for contact with other humans. other humans who don't spend the whole day smoking and confusing themselves with their internal dialog.
i graduate on thursday, did i tell you? i received two emails as proof that i finished my program and i looked at them and groaned. it's not over. it'll never be over. i need to move so i can claim an ocean county residence so the tuition is cheaper for me to go to occ and learn more about drug and alcohol counseling.
how do you feel about addicts needing counseling?
i was wrong about when the magazines were due back. they used to be two weeks. oh...that is two weeks. i'm just bad at math.
in the tab that was about atmospheric scientists i'm going to look up the lyrics to 'i never told you' by this chick who looks like she's twelve. the song came on the tv on the adult alternative channel that brian had on. i wasn't thrilled with it but the lyrics were honest and heartfelt. rather than bother frank with texts i figured i'd just email him nonsense. directlyrics.com has terrible spelling. gmail asked me if it was ok to send an email w/o a subject. what would the subject be? 'just another stupid love song's lyrics because i've lost my ability to focus on thinking up something original'.
stupid moody adult alternative aol radio station. oh my goodness...i'll stand by you by the pretenders. most assuredly the most lonely sad love song...one of them anyway clearly not the loneliest. she is singing to someone after all. why is this called the adult alternative radio station? i suppose 'mature alternative' would make ppl feel old. i think i'm done but i have two more hours and i'm pretty sure i could go another two more hrs on this thing. no wonder no one reads it...

don't call my name don't call my name...alejandro.

so i'm thinking i've been recently making attempts at reinventing myself a little, small pieces at a time. i'm tired of being bored with myself--the way i am and the way i avoid things and people and events. even clothes. why am i unable to stand on my own at a party? even a family party, it's really quite pitiful and frustrating. i'm allowing myself to feel the influence of certain pop songs sung by certain extremely dramatic people (usually female) because on some level i think i'm capable of having the same charm affect on other(s). on another level, i'm coming to terms with the fact that i believe somewhere in the levels of consciousness (in case you believe in that sort of thing) that i will always be just average and that nothing extraordinary will come from me. this is a disappointing reality for a newly-turned 25-year-old who wants to be published someday. am i too old to be believing that i'll be recognized more widely than my facebook profile group of friends allows or am i too young to be giving up completely on something that is not impossible? recently, i've embraced (auditorilly) some of the sounds of miss gaga, the dramatic cherubic highs of la roux's sound, red lipstick, and lace panties. flowy low cut shirts, daydreams that feature a self that wows effortlessly. am i escaping my everyday grind? am i setting myself up for disappointment? what am i really capable of? and why do i not know at age 25? according to erikson i'm in intimacy vs. isolation and honestly i think i'm doing both at the same time. for crying out loud, why would i do that to myself? i'm intimate with my boyfriend but i isolate against almost everyone else. i suppose that's not entirely true, but the people i get along with and find myself attached to the most happen to be just as busy as i am. i was watching the first sex in the city movie last night and i was watching the interactions between the four friends. when they feel betrayed amongst themselves, they react (yes i know they're acting but hear me out) as though they were cheated on by a significant other. because in each others' lives, they are quite significant. i don't feel like i have that. maybe it's the luxury they are afforded based on their socioeconomic status that allows them to up and go to mexico spur of the moment and tend to their fallen friend; however, i can't see anyone but my mother feeding me following a serious break of engagement, or any variation on someone feeding me. whatever the equivalent, i can't see anyone i know doing that. maybe christine...probably not even my mother. she would probably tell me to knock it off and that it wasn't the end of the world. my sister would especially do that. she'd probably beat up my boyfriend but she'd also be tough on me. i think...maybe i'm wrong. where was i going with this and how does it relate to my next thought?
::new paragraph::. the bottom line is that i'm scared. i don't know why but at the core of all of these feelings of uncertainty, i'm very very unnerved. are other people this unsure? do they just hide it better? i asked my boyfriend whether the changes come across as desperate and he said no, that i just seem like i'm starting to enjoy myself. what a nice interpretation. i hadn't thought of it that way.
::new paragraph::. how would i view this past post in light of this enlightenment...MAYBE i'm getting BRAVER! more brave? blogger didn't mark braver with a red squiggly line so i guess it's either one. perhaps i am just getting a little more brave. in my own skin. that actually makes sense. i like that interpretation much better. thanks babe.
on another note, i'm at the group home again. rick just let out quite a fart because going to the bathroom comes second to speaking rapidly with staff. i need to crack a window...
meds soon. it's already eight twenty four. approximately an hour and a half left. tomorrow should be fun. one of my very busy very good friend/coworkers will be hangin with me tomorrow. nine-to-four. then i get to put my newfound "brave", brazen, thrilling self to the test. as the boy says, i always do well. i can sweat it but i won't tell him. i'll ask later if he could tell. sorta like a post-test. because my brazen self is still geekified as heck.
i'm not your babe, i'm not your babe...fernando.
more later sirs and ma'ams. if anything occurs or responds please share.