Excerpt from Betty Friedan Piece...

"The Problem That Has No Name"

" A twenty-three-year-old mother in blue jeans said: 'I ask myself why I'm so dissatisfied. I've got my health, fine children, a lovely new home, enough money.
My husband has a real future as an electronics engineer. He doesn't have any of these feelings. He says maybe I need a vacation, let's go to New York for a weekend. But that isn't it.
I always had this idea we should do everything together. I can't sit down and read a book alone. If the children are napping and i have one hour to myself I just walk through the house waiting for them to wake up.
I don't make a move until I know where the rest of the crowd is going. It's as if ever since you were a little girl, there's always been somebody or something that will take care of your life: your parents, or college, or falling in love, or having a child, or moving to a new house.
Then you wake up one morning and there's nothing to look forward to.' "

a source of pain

Overcome with guilt, she doesn't realize how disconnected i feel, and how much it hurts when she toys with it. But it isn't just over the dog. That's just the guilty part. The frustrated part is the disconnect from the folks. Both for different but extremely related reasons. Maybe this weekend I can lock myself in my room (thank goodness for wireless; hopefully it'll work from the other side of the house) and get that presentation done. Maybe I'll actually do something fun this weekend, and see some friends I haven't seen in forever. Maybe I'll feel like I can let go a little, and get into some trouble. That would be unique. For now, I can't wait for 1:30. Explaining why I feel more connected to 6 totally disconnected life forms is sort of like explaining radio frequencies and attachment styles; it should be left up to the experts. Here's a stab at it. They don't know it, but they need me. At least a little. There is no need for me elsewhere like there is in that domain. That and..once my shift is over, I can simply pass them off, behaviors, noises and all, to the next shift's hands. It's like the one-night-stand of therapeutic relationships. And..I'm pretty damn good at it. I've become attached, as they are a new part of my identity, and somehow, we're broadcasting on the same frequency.

Current mood:

lost. melancholica. but i'm better than you because i'm listening to a cd before you are.
:OP~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~.

thank you scott.

you're so thrilled your name is in my blog. although..i'm pretty sure you are the only one who will know. because no one else reads this.
except my sister. who happens to be standing next to me. she reads it about a month after i write it tho. and then she forgets to sign her comments.
maybe that's bc she doesn't write blogs often enough and she forgets her username..

is lost a mood?...

Warning: I sound depressed because I'm PMSing. But..don't I normally sound like this?

Um..so I've been thinking. Which, like I've probably said before, is hardly ever a good thing. I was just adding 6 cool ranch doritos to my place that already held my sandwich, and I chose 6 because 12 is the serving size and it sounds like too much. I'm a limiter in all respects. I can't remember the word dave used but that's what I am. And it made me think of how I go home and tell my mom how I eat better at school now that I don't have the ::cough:: available to me, and I still don't drink and I don't drink soda at all and blah blah blah and her response is not what I thought it was supposed to be when a typical college kid visits home and tells his/her mom that they're being healthy and not drinking...it finally clicked while I was putting the chip bag back in the cabinet that I'm eating healthy for me. Which makes perfect sense but then again, at least for me, it doesn't. I function by doing things for others, and this semester, that just isn't the case. I haven't been volunteering like woah the way I normally do (with the exception of crocheting squares and walking for autism), my roommates are never around and I work like crazy so I can't be cutesy the way I usually am, etc., etc. I am finally doing things because I feel I should be doing them. Doing things for me, basically. For my benefit.
Um..so, why do I sometimes more often than I should, feel miserable? What do I normally find fun that I'm not doing? Where did the fun go? Did I leave it on the shelf because I didn't want to spend the money? Did I not allot time in my work schedule for it? And what really worries me is that it takes so much effort for me to figure out what my fun is and where I can find it, that by the time I try to plan some time for fun and make sure fun fits in my budget, I'm exhausted.
I will be leaving shortly to go home. Home home. I'll be there for a few days which is something I feel mixed about. Like I told roomie (at the gym. don't think for one second we're at the apt long enough to carry on conversation), I should be able to write at least 5 of the journal response entries for psych of women because of the frustration I feel when I go home. My mother will make me feel compelled to eat until I feel oooobese, but I'll get to see her and everyone else. I'll get to play with my puppy.
Thoughts?