stop drop and roll. you're on fire.

whooooo was supposed to teach me to be proud of my body? who. i've struck a nerve. my eyes are welling. but why?
whyyyyy is physique such an issue?
what came first, the ideal image in my head of what i should look like, or all the external cues that have been telling me what is attractive?
i am one to internalize a lot. i do the mental log thing, and i've been tracking what is acceptable and what is just plain grossbased on what i've heard others say over the years, and what i've seen that is labeled 'okay' and 'not-okay', and i do okay generally speaking. "okay" here meaning i can put on a smile and graciously blush when co-workers tell me they like parts of my outfit, accessories, etc.
but when it comes down to what i see when those feel-good outfits are folded or in the hamper, well, you saw what happened up there. eyes get all well-y. and you know by that point all bets are off. because at that point, the face is uglier than everything else. those eyes atop my white girl face turn pink and puffy as anything.
does a compliment help? no. not when it comes to this. it just makes me frustrated that i can't see what that person is seeing. some things i know are perfectly fine, like the color of my eyes, and the dimple in my belly button, but, the list pretty much ends there. oh and apparently i have a nice cervix. my gyne told me so. and i won't argue that one just cuz i've never seen it myself and i wouldn't know a good looking cervix from a not-so-good looking cervix anyway.
the point is, i feel like i can't do anything right on this topic. it's part of what's been feeding into my not-so-recent spending spree(s) because i have the gut hope that the proverbial lipstick might make the pig a little i dunno...camouflaged?
anyway, that first statement was just me trying to blame someone. anyone. i can't do that tho, it's not right. it's just my frustration talking.
more later. gotta get back to cleaning.