it's been a while...for nachos

'cuz you keep on playin games, like you know i'm here to stay'.
shake, shake, shake shake shake it off. Roommate was singing it. Decent tune.
My autopilot is off for the time being. You see, my mom tends to keep up on things during the summer, so I turn my autopilot on and sort of depend the most on her, but once school starts again, it's up to me to tell her if I need something, or it's up to me to get it for myself. The funny thing is, I just realized that this occurs this semester (#5). I simply ease into making my own decisions. I mean, I still make my own decisions at home but they're more often influenced by my family while I'm home than while I'm here. And it's okay. It's a cozy situation.
On another note, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the one man I love who doesn't read this blog for making me feel lovely. It's true. I feel better looking this year and I think I owe a lot of the credit for this to him. Thanks, babe. I know you aren't reading this but I know pamp and Tom Sales are. And although they seem to agree I'm somewhat good-looking, you're the one I'm with and you're the one I love. Thank you.
I must continue my busy day with a nice warm shower (must wash chlorine out of hair!).
Fare thee well Friends.

ridiculous nicholas strikes again.

You know, it's my first day of classes and they're already on the attack. It's as if I never left. Now, I know very well that Tom Sales came to my room to ask me if I would go on a faux date with a certain someone to help him be more comfortable around girls, but here are the issues I'm having.
1. Is it immoral? I mean, okay so three other guys and my roommate would be accompanying us. Tom Sales still referred to it as a "date".
2. Do I want someone who is semi-creepy to have an excuse to stare at me? Okay so it isn't nice to straight flat out say he's creepy. But this is the issue at hand...that he is in fact creepy and he is trying to become more aware of which aspects of his character, personality and habits are creepy.
3. Shouldn't I be avoiding Tom Sales to help him not be miserable? Let's rephrase and count as number
4. Is it healthy for me to be around someone who constantly tells me what a loser my boyfriend is without even knowing him on a personal level? I hate people who hate other people for reasons such as these. I do think Tom Sales would call that symbollism (i think that's the correct Logic term) and say the following:
Nicole hates people who hate other people for the same reasons I hate Frank.
I hate Frank because Frank has Nicole (which isn't true. Nicole has Frank so there)
Nicole hates......
rough huh. listen pal, that's what you get when you say my sister isn't as pretty as me and point out (more than once in the same conversation) that a) Frank didn't get me a puppy b) Pamp has a $42,000/year job (which I'm not sure how that is a point for you but I guess what you consider a point against Frank is a point for you) c) Frank isn't constantly knocking on my door to profess his love for me (notice I didn't say "confess" due to the fact that I am well aware and it is dare I say it RECIPROCATED). there are many more derogatory things Tom Sales says about my babe and I don't appreciate it. Am I going to be mean about it? Yes. Just...not to his face. Which is the cowardly thing to do, I know, but it's necessary. If I talked back and spoke up the conversation would be so much more involved on topics such as my relationship with Frank. He points out the obvious: Frank isn't there. Well OF COURSE Frank isn't there. Frank has something called a job. It is his livelihood and source of income to pay bills. (notice I didn't say "so he can spend it on me". I happen to be proud of the fact that I don't hold the assumption he should spend his money on me) Frank also has things called hobbies. Fishing, hunting, fitting in his dirt bike when he gets a chance, etc are all things he enjoys doing and will enjoy doing, regardless of where I happen to be. Don't be surprised that he isn't knocking on my door at 2 in the morning.
He has a life and it isn't centered and planned around the lady who lives in Eickhoff Hall.
I'm not saying Tom Sales' life IS. I'm saying Frank shouldn't be expected to perform the normal duties of a guy dating a college girl. He isn't attending the same school of thought as I am. I would expect something a little different.
Enough of my chit chat. Thank you for listening to be rant and rave.

Go ahead pamp. Make my day. But just be aware: I'm already cocked and aiming.

Where do I belong?

I know it's lame to feel the need to belong somewhere or to something, but it's a simple fact of my human nature, and I know I'm not the only one.
Now that that's out of the way, back to my original question. Where do I belong? Without changing myself (my opinions, my morals, my beliefs that help form the human that is me) I find it impossible to fit in anywhere.
Example 1: I tried to fit in with the CRs (college republicans for those of you need help with my abbreviations). The thing is, I'm too feminist to agree with them on a lot of issues but too conservative to be the radical feminist who insistently challenges the beliefs of Catholics and conservatives. This causes me to be trapped in the middle. Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am: stuck in the middle with...who?
Example 2: A much more painful conclusion was reached while sitting in mass at a Roman Catholic church in Brick, NJ (near where my family keeps our boat). The priest so boldly asserted that those of us attending mass who picked and chose what we believed were not true Catholics. He put people who are pro-choice on the issue of abortion in the same category as those people who leave mass immediately after receiving communion. Somehow, being a sinful believer and being a rude believer are two very different things in my own mind, but hey, who am I to judge? Basically, I no longer am a Catholic. Which hurt so much because I have been going to church since I was baptized. I received all of the sacraments that are necessary to be wed in a church by a priest. It was as if I had missed the boat and it was a one-way trip. Now I am left at the pier worried (because I'm still a believer in God and faith) about what will happen to my soul when I die, or what will happen when I stop going to church with my mom and sister on the weekends? I don't want my sister to use my conclusion on her own behalf as an excuse to sleep in on Sunday mornings. Plus, the opinions of my family mean the world to me (aunt(s), grandmother and especially my own mother) and if I manage to disappoint them, what then? I will feel (and am already beginning to feel) like a bit of a failure because I found another institution with which I often disagree.
In conclusion, I am an unhappy and lost, occasionally conservative feminist who believes in the Lord. Hopefully, when it comes down to the end of my line and I'm standing wherever dead people stand once they are good and dead, my views I held as a human being (soul, mind and body intact), will not be my ticket to Hell.

i'm home alone tonight

full moon illuminates my room and sends my mind aflight.
i think i was dreaming of some thoughts that were seemingly possible, with you.

and so it begins...

school is creeping like a...a...

what does school creep like, exactly? it creeps like...that guy that was sitting outside family scoops! I had already given him his small cup of tiramisu, he ate it, and i returned to the back to finish making ices. the bell rang so i went back to the front to serve a large order to this lady who neglected to tip me. he was still there. he was there for an hour. pretending to be asleep. creepy. no matter how many times you hide from him, he's still there when you resurface. that's how school creeps. sorry conquest428, but obviously you enjoy having that creepy tiramisu-eating guy there all the time. a bit lonely for creepy company are you?

didja ever want to stop everything and make someone feel better but you couldn't because you had work? that's how i feel. poor frank. poor fishies. poor new rug. poor live coral. poor miscellaneous salt water tank creatures.

i have work now. with the source of all evil. must i trek back out into the heat?